


Biggest Coconuts That You Ever See

by revenblue



Series: [collection] but you keep spinning 'round me just the same (Perryshmirtz) [64]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coconut, Body Horror, Coconut AU, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Doctor Coconut, GOOD NIGHT mr.coconut, Heinz is attractive 'by coconut standards', I'm not even kidding, M/M, Other, POV Second Person, Perry gets the Balloony treatment, Perry is a literal coconut in this, Perry the Coconut, The Author Regrets Nothing, Transformation, coconut body horror, flying hat of coconut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 21:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17795351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: A doctor and a coconut vs Doctor Coconut. Or, Perry literally falls for Heinz.





	Biggest Coconuts That You Ever See

**Author's Note:**

> I considered the coconut.

You've always loved how quiet it is out here in the mornings. The distant waves wash against the sand, accompanied by the gentle rustle of wind through the trees and the occasional cry from a passing seagull. The sun shines down warmly on your husk. Today, like every other day, is at peace.

...Until a loud man shows up, screeching about shellfish as he stumbles out of the ocean onto your stretch of beach. You know he's a man, you see them occasionally, but none of them have ever noticed you.

None, except this one.

He slumps against your tree, groaning. "Why do I even bother, huh? It's not like anyone would _care_. I'm just a washed-out evil scientist - _literally_ washed out, look at me, I'm _soaked_ \- who can't even scheme properly. So much for that doctorate in Evil Science. Worst fifteen bucks I've ever spent."

Shaken loose by the force of his cynicism, you fall to the sand beside him. He just sounds so _dejected_. You barely know him, but you're sure things aren't as bad as he makes them sound.

"I'm a failure," he sighs, resting his head against the trunk of your tree. "Monologuing to myself on a deserted island with only... are these coconuts?" He picks you up, rolling you around in his large calloused hands. "Only _coconuts_ for company. Well, better than nothing." Rummaging through his many pockets, he eventually pulls out a marker and draws something on your side. "There. Perry the Coconut." His mouth twitches up in a smile, and you decide he looks a lot more attractive like this. Far better than his grumpy scowl.

The bright morning sun continues to shine down on you both, drying his clothes and leaving them stiff with salt. He doesn't seem to notice, setting you down into the hot sand as he stretches his legs out, a hand still curled around your husk.

A gentle breeze ruffles his hair and he exhales, leaning back. "It's peaceful out here, isn't it," he says after a while. "No goody two-shoes brother, no judgemental neighbours complaining about the noise, no random bystanders laughing at me behind my back! Ugh, I hate that so much. You won't do that, will you Perry the Coconut?" He doesn't seem to care that you can't answer him, idly brushing a calloused thumb over your hair as he talks. "Not much of a conversationalist, huh?"

You decide, here and now, that you rather like this man. Maybe you're biased. By coconut standards he's quite a catch, with his brown stringy hair and weathered wrinkles, and you're fascinated. He's done so much in his time, while you... What is there to tell, really? Your life isn't that exciting. After all, you'd never left your tree until today, let alone ventured across the ocean like your siblings. You hope they're doing well for themselves.

"I'll miss my little girl though," he continues, with a wistful sigh. "She's turning sixteen this year, can you believe it? I still remember when she was a baby, so _small_ and _fragile_ and the best thing that's ever happened to me. If I don't get back-"

Whatever he'd been about to say is lost as he jumps to his feet, leaving you half-buried in the sand. The sun beats down on your shell, and you know heat is heat but it's a different warmth from his hand.

He squints at the sky over the trees. "Was that... It _is_ , there's someone else here, I'm _saved_!" he says, turning back to scoop you under his arm with a grin. "This is great, Perry the Coconut, I'm not stranded here after all, we can go _home_ \- I mean, _my_ home, I don't know about _yours_ -"

A figure walks out from behind the trees, too distant for you to make out clearly.

"Doctor Coconut?!" your friend shrieks, in a piercing voice that carries through the air, and runs across the sand. Whoever this 'Doctor Coconut' is, they're not a stranger to him. "I can't believe it, I thought I was all alone here, other than Perry the Coconut, you'll like him, but the point is-"

His monologue's interrupted by a tuft of dune grass, sending him crashing to the ground at this other human's feet while you fly from his arms, rolling to a stop beside a tree a short distance away. Too far to do anything.

" _Doofenshmirtz_." Doctor Coconut - scrawny and smooth-faced, short even by human standards, head covered in unappealing auburn hair - sneers down at your friend. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Your friend - Doofenshmirtz, apparently - climbs back to his feet, brushing sand off his clothing. He doesn't look up, sunlight glinting off something in his eyelashes. Enough humans have sought refuge under your tree, or a sibling tree, for you to recognise crying when you see it.

If this Doctor Coconut is the sort to make your friend cry, he's no friend of yours.

Doofenshmirtz-

You can't, not after Doctor Coconut spat the name with such _venom_. But your friend mentioned a doctorate earlier, so if he's a _Doctor_...

Doctor D draws himself up straight, tears gone as if they'd never happened. "Oh, sure, ask what _I'm_ doing here, like _that's_ the surprise. But if you _must_ know, I was-"

"Spare me the backstory," Doctor Coconut snaps, then turns on his heel and walks away.

"H-Hey, wait for me!" your friend calls, scooping you up as he follows after. "You can't just _leave_ me here!"

* * *

"I can't believe he just left me here!"

The ocean breeze ruffles the hair across your husk as he paces, passing you between his large hands. The beach is empty but for him, Doctor Coconut being long gone, bare even of seagulls picking through the nearby sand for their meals.

He drops to the sand, long legs crossed. "Can you believe he _left_ me here, Perry the Coconut?" he asks, lifting you to his eye level, and his expression twists. "Didn't think so."

If you had eyes, you would roll them. You haven't known your friend long - not that you need to, with his heart displayed so prominently on his sleeve - but you can already tell that, as bitter as he claims to be, he's far too trusting for his own good.

You, on the other hand, distrusted Doctor Coconut from the get-go.

Tucking you into his side, he leans back with a sigh. It's a dejected sigh, the sigh of a man who's done many things in life and failed at most of them. "In hindsight, I should have expected it." His long fingers stroke your hair idly, a soothing rhythm that seems to comfort him more than you. "'Spare me the backstory', hah! He wouldn't know a backstory if it dragged him outside and forced him to work as a lawn gnome." Propping himself up on an elbow, he continues, voice light, "That's _my_ backstory, you know." His crooked grin, never quite reaching his eyes, fades, and he glances away. "Well, one of them. I have a few..."

Silence falls over the both of you. You nestle into his side, surrounded by his heartbeat and his warmth as he holds you close, his arms around you as secure as any tree. It's still only a few hours since you fell at his feet, but already there's nothing you wouldn't do for this achingly lonely man. He has so much pain on his shoulders, so much to say and no one else to tell it to. The least you could do is listen.

"You're a good listener," he says, before the quiet has a chance to sink in too far. "You know that? Because you are. Not like him, _he_ ignores me every chance he gets, and that's _rude_ , Perry the Coconut, _rude_! You can't just go around _ignoring_ people when they try to talk to you. My brother _Roger_ \- he's running for mayor back home, _ugh_! - he used to ignore me all the time. When I asked him to pass the salt at the dinner table - well _he_ was at the dinner table, I was- you know what, never mind - and all the times I asked to be let in, oh and how could I forget that time I asked him to save me from that goozim? That did _not_ end well, let me tell you!"

You wish you could do more.

He laughs, a sharp, bitter sound. "I don't usually talk about myself this much, you know? I mean I would but no one ever _lets_ me. Apparently I'm _too abrasive_."

That's a surprise to you. Sure, he rambles, but you could listen to his rambling all day. You _did_ listen to his rambling all day. Out over the ocean, the sun's setting, turning the sky a vivid orange.

He shivers at the coolness of the evening breeze. "I guess we should find some shelter, huh," he says, knees popping as he climbs to his feet. A low rumble comes from his belly and he grimaces. "And something to eat, I'm _starving_. I skipped breakfast this morning and you know how much _that's_ a bad idea, it's the most important meal of the day! I heard that on tv once and that can't be wrong..."

* * *

Venturing inland, into the rainforest, he regales you with more stories of his life, from his childhood-

"So then _I_ had to be the family lawn gnome!"

-his inventions, or "inators"-

"Can you believe my Inator lost to a baking soda volcano? I had to try again the next year, with my Even Bigger Inator..."

-and his daughter-

"Vanessa's been doing well in school this year. Or, well, it's the summer holidays so she doesn't _have_ school right now, but you get the idea."

-and even the plot of the telenovela he likes.

"Juan was about to tell her what he loved about her when the show got preempted by a- What was that?" Crouching, he ducks into the underbrush with an ease that can only come from experience, a hand over where he'd drawn a mouth on your husk.

You find out why a few seconds later as Doctor Coconut pushes between the trees and into a clearing just ahead of where you wait, a metal shape in his hand gleaming in the faint moonlight. On the side is, you realise with growing horror, one of your cousins, insides roughly scraped away and grotesque holes driven through their husk, flickering with a dull orange glow. _Fire_ , your instincts scream.

A large shape follows behind, the same glowing carvings over a body that's humanoid but _not_ , tall and thick like a tree in and of itself. Another cousin, twisted beyond recognition. Every step shakes the ground, each careless sweep of its arms snapping trunks like twigs, a force that spells doom for all you hold dear.

Doctor D's hand tightens around you as you both watch what remains of your cousin disappear into the forest. "Well. _He's_ been busy," he says eventually, glancing down at you.

Yes. Yes, he has.

Whatever this Doctor Coconut has planned, you know deep in your core you can't let it continue, not when you can still hear your cousin's soundless screaming. There has to be something you can do. Some way to protect the whole Tri-Island Area.

The question is, _what_? What can you do? You're just a coconut, you can't _fight_ , not in any way that matters. If it weren't for Doctor D, you'd never have left your tree at all. So-

So, _he_ could help you.

"Come on, Perry the Coconut," he says, as if he understood, starting after the man threatening the harmony of your island. "He's our ticket out of here."

Not quite the support you'd hoped for, but it'll do.

* * *

Doctor D follows the trail of destruction to a surprisingly well-maintained beachside cottage, untouched by the sun. More of your cousins mill around outside. There's four of them now, aimless and lost without direction, not paying him the slightest bit of attention.

By the back door, lying in a hammock, is Doctor Coconut. A matte black object sits in his lap, projecting light onto his face.

Striding closer, your friend stops right in front of the other human. "There you are," he says loudly, and Doctor Coconut jumps, the object in his lap tumbling to the ground. "What, did you finally decide to make good on your _code name_? Sick of people asking why you're _really_ calling yourself Doctor Coconut? I'll tell them, you know, just as soon as I-"

"You're not going _anywhere_ ," Doctor Coconut snarls, pointing the object from earlier into your friend's face. It's even worse up close, wicked-looking spikes surrounding a central pole, a twisted facsimile of a flower wrought in gleaming metal. A weapon.

Your friend steps back, raising the hand not curled around your husk placatingly. "Okay, alright, fine, let's not be too _hasty_ , there's no need to _threaten_ me with a... what _is_ that, anyway?"

"This?" Doctor Coconut asks, pulling his weapon up. He smiles, a nasty grin that bodes ill for both you and your friend. "I call it Good Night Mister Coconut. One blast and it'll turn any coconut into an obedient soldier, ready to do my bidding. I don't know _how_ they missed you. I told them to stand watch, but apparently they can't even do _that_ much." Hesitating, he glances down at his palm, and the unsettlingly flattened wood pulp held there. "With them behind me, I will bring the Tri-State Area to its _knees_ , old man. And from there, the _world_."

Tucking you against his side, Doctor D raises an eyebrow. "Is _that_ what they teach in Evil Science 134 these days? Cliché monologues? For a _good_ monologue you need _pizazz_ , maybe a backstory, look, here, I'll show you-" and he plucks the weapon out of Doctor Coconut's stunned grasp. "Did you even put a self-destruct button on this? Ugh, evil scientists these days, no sense of _integrity_."

Doctor Coconut sways on the spot, expression oddly reminiscent of a fish washed up on the shore, just before the seagulls show up. If only they'd come for him too, that'd solve a lot of your problems.

"And the _worksmanship_!" your friend continues. "How do you expect anyone to take you seriously with soldering like _that_?"

Spurred into action, Doctor Coconut snatches his weapon back and retreats into the cottage, yelling "Destroy this miserable fool!" to the soldiers he made out of your cousins before he slams the door.

They turn as one. Flames lick at the edges of the wounds carved into their hollowed husks, and you feel a pang of dread in your own. Nothing exists of them any more. Even their silent screams are gone now, empty stares holding nothing but pain and the will of a monster using their twisted forms for his own benefit.

Doctor D shifts, long fingers curling around your husk. "That could have gone... better..." he grumbles, mouth twisting.

The ground shudders as the closest of the _things_ that used to be your cousins takes a step towards you both, thick branches sinking into the sand. This close, you can't help but realise how big they _are_ , each leg the thickness of Doctor D's admittedly skinny frame.

"Sorry, Perry the Coconut," he says, turning you over to stare into the face he'd drawn mere hours - and yet so long - ago. "It's the only way." Then he turns and throws you through the cottage window.

Shattered glass falls to the ground behind you as you soar through the air, still feeling the echoes of the warmth of his fingers. What's Doctor D thinking? He's kept you by his side the whole day, why would that change _now_?

Then you slam into Doctor Coconut's head, and understand.

You fall to the ground beside his prone form, just close enough to hear his shallow breaths. Not dead, then. But incapacitated. No threat to you or to Doctor D, now.

The door slams open and Doctor D rushes through, bending down to scoop you into his arms as he goes. Not even a minute away and you'd missed this, nestled against him where nothing can get to you. Safe. Not even the weapon he's tucked into a pocket can hurt you now.

Then you're outside again and he's laughing, the sound of it ringing through the night air, clear and bright. "I didn't think that would _work_ , Perry the Coconut," he says breathlessly, grinning at you. "But you did a _ma_ zing." He slows to a stop, dropping down into the sand, smile finally reaching his eyes. "We make a good team, don't you think so? Because I think so."

A _team_. If you could, you'd be smiling, matching his fond expression.

"So, uh," he says, fidgeting with the edge of his lab coat. "I've never done this with a _coconut_ before, but I really think we have something, and- and I should stop talking, shouldn't I?"

Adjusting his grip on you, he lifts you to his lips, pressing a soft, chaste, kiss to your husk.

The intimacy of it shakes you to your core, and you want more than anything to show him you feel the same way. Without him, you never would have left your tree, let alone any of the rest.

When he pulls back, it's with a twist in his mouth. "I can't tell if you're bad at communicating or just not into it, Perry the Coconut, so-"

A dark shape blocks out the bright starlight from above, and he stops, swallowing nervously. Your cousins. They've caught up, the four of them looming over you both, surrounding you. No escape.

One grabs Doctor D, branches wrapped tight around the waist, and you fall from his gentle fingers.

Landing in the cool sand, all you can do is watch in horror as he's lifted into the air. The branches squeeze tighter, visibly crushing him, unaffected by his struggling.

Moonlight glints in his hand and you realise what he was struggling _for_. Not to get out, but for Doctor Coconut's weapon.

_Do it_ , you beg him silently. You'll bear any cost if it means you can save him.

And he does.

The red-orange glow surrounds you for only a moment, disappearing at the first involuntary twitch of your husk. The weapon falls to the sand beside you as your roots erupt, twisting together into a body you hope is strong enough for this. It has to be. Saving Doctor D is your first and only priority.

Limbs form out of the central body, thinner but no less strong. Flexing one into a fist, you make yourself a promise: you _will_ save him.

Your original husk shudders last, warping as if someone's cutting at it from the inside, cracking under the pressure. Carving a face like the others, with the core of flames.

How could you let that happen? Doctor D gave you _this_ face, drawn in marker pen, the desperate plea of a lonely man searching for anyone to listen. And you _did_. Everything he's said to you, all the things he didn't, you heard him through it all.

As quickly as it came, the feeling recedes, the cracks in your husk resealing as if they were never there to begin with.

Pulling yourself to your new feet, you jump at the nearest thick trunk and start climbing. No time to think, not when Doctor D's life is at stake. You may be nothing to your cousins, too small and new to challenge them, but you have to _try_.

In their branches, Doctor D's still fighting, eyes fixed on you. Fighting _for_ you.

You hoist yourself up onto your cousin's arm, running along the bark to take Doctor D's outstretched hand. Planting your feet between branches, you tug desperately at him, only caring about getting him free.

At last, his arm shifts, moving more than it did earlier, and you pull harder. Nearly there. One more tug and-

"No wait, that-"

His arm comes off entirely. Falling backwards, you stare at it, and at the end shining in the faint moonlight. Metal...?

No. You have to do this. Dropping the arm, you slide down beside him, wedging yourself between his shoulder and the branches. He yelps in pain but there's no other choice, it's this or die.

At last, you make enough room that he slips through, falling-

"Perry the Coconut!"

Curling a root around the branch, you jump over the side without thinking, stretching yourself to your limit. You have to save him. After everything he's done for you, it's the least you could do.

He's just barely dangling from a twig by his one hand as you swing by, slipping down a leaf at a time. Not long left.

On the next pass, you change your angle to you slam into his side, tearing him free. Behind you, the last of the leaves flutter through the air. He's still screaming, but you wrap the rest of your branches securely around his form and he clings close, shaking. Safe.

Swinging back a third time, you let go of the branch above, hurling you both at the massive trunk of one of your cousins. With your branches, you reach out, using the friction to slow your fall.

It's a relief when your roots hit the sand again. You're not out of danger _yet_ , but it's a start.

So you run, before your cousins realise where you are.

"My arm," Doctor D moans as you carry him away, fingers digging into your branches. "Do you know how long that took to _make_ , Perry the Coconut?"

You squeeze his shoulders in sympathy. But, as much as you sympathise, nothing will get you to slow down, not when he's still in danger. Get him away, _then_ worry about his arm.

Besides, he's made one once, he can do it again.

The ground shakes beneath your roots, a sign that your cousins finally noticed you missing. Not that you'll give them the chance to catch up. As big as they are, it's at the cost of speed, all you have to do is get far enough away.

Running into the thick brush of the rainforest, you increase your pace, the sound of their heavy footsteps fading into the distance.

Once you can't hear them any more, Doctor D taps at your husk. "Perry the Coconut? I don't mean to be a _bother_ , but can we take a break soon? All this running for my life's left me _exhausted_. And I need the bathroom."

You slow to a stop, setting him down gently. All he had to do was ask.

Flashing you a grin, he disappears into the brush, mumbling away to himself. At least you can't lose him, with how much he talks.

Minutes pass, and you're just about to look for him when-

"Perry the Coconut!" he yells, and you jump. Is he- "Come look!"

Not in danger, then, just excited. You push the panic down and follow the sound of his voice.

He's standing proudly beside a tree when you find him, bouncing on his heels. "It's a hollow tree, look!" Dropping down on hands and knees, he crawls through the slight gap. "Come on in, there's room," his voice echoes.

So you do. Inside, you find a spacious interior, smoothed out and dry, the floor covered in old leaves. Well-used but uninhabited.

"It's just like the one I lived in back in Gimmelshtump," he continues, clearing a small space to sit. "Although that one was _warmer_... Five ocelots curled around you really makes a difference in winter, let me tell you." Leaning against the trunk, he exhales, resting his legs against the other wall of the space. "You were great back there, by the way. Saved me and everything! Come on, sit down, there's room for you too," he insists, tugging you closer. "I mean, since you're so _small_ , and all. Far smaller than _them_ , that's for sure. I wonder what caused that? Bet it was the soldering. I _told_ him it was wonky. Oh well." His arm settles around you, a comforting weight. "I'm just glad you're here, you know?"

The feeling's mutual. You're still reeling from how much your life's changed in just one day, but you wouldn't give it up for _anything_.

His fingers tap against your husk again. "Although I thought you'd look _different_ , with the, you know, _face_. Not that I'm _complaining_ , I wouldn't want that staring at me in the dark, like we are now, but. You know what I mean? Actually," he continues, nudging you into what faint light there is, "let's get a look at _you_ \- Oh." Voice dropping to a whisper, he runs his fingers over the face he'd drawn on your husk. "You... you kept it? I." He swallows, dropping his gaze. "I wasn't expecting- I mean I'd _hoped_ \- Do you mean it?"

You take his head in your branches, tilting his head up to look back at you, and press your husk to his lips.

"You do, huh?" he breathes when you pull back, the air ruffling the hair on your husk. Eyes still closed from your kiss, he smiles softly, wryly. "I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Running a branch through his messy hair, you pull him to your trunk, settling back into the tree. He's had a hard life so far, you know that much. That much was clear in the stories he'd told you. But now that you're here, you're determined to do something about it. You only have the whole rest of his life.

As he curls into you, breath slowing, you tighten a branch around his shoulders. Let him sleep for now. You'll find a way to get him home tomorrow, even if you have to swim the whole ocean for him.

**Author's Note:**

> 134 fics posted! This is such a milestone for me, you have no idea. I had to make it _special_.
> 
> Title from [Coconuts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5WG0GiY9to) by SMILE.dk, which I have loved since I was a smol doing Jump Jam in primary school.
> 
> This all started in the r/fanfiction server. A combo of "consider the coconut" and a reminder that coconuts are mammals bc they have fur and milk :P
> 
> The fun part was seeing just how canon-compliant this crack-even-for-PNF I could make this. Doctor Coconut is straight from canon (Spa Day), as is Heinz drawing faces on inanimate objects and calling them friends (The Chronicles of Meap), said inanimate objects turning out to be not as inanimate as they look (Meapless In Seattle), Heinz's arms (Road To Danville), Carl's speech patterns (Where's Perry) to the point I accidentally copied a line word-for-word...
> 
> (Adding it to the V-day collection was a last-minute whim. XD)


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